Synergistic Parenting Drugs, sex and natural effects |
||||||||
|
|
Inner or external? Cause and effect discipline is the most effective way to impose discipline and for the child to grow in self-discipline. You may want first to read and think about how to develop inner discipline. For cause and effect discipline to be most effective, be familiar with using I-messages and other facets of communication. Remind yourself about the useful idea of who owns problems. All of these help you to develop a child's discipline and cause-effect discipline. Cause and effect discipline is based on the scientific understanding that what happens — effects — has causes. Or call it stimulus and response — misbehavior is a response to a stimulus, such as wanting attention. Children's behavior that we want to change or stop is an effect that usually has causes. When our child does something we want to change, we are more effective, synergetic parents if we probe into the causes of the behavior we want changed. Sex and drugs and natural
effects Fear vs. facts With both sex and drugs if we are utterly truthful, natural cause and effect is very useful. Take a quiz about sex facts. Learn why youngsters experiment with drugs and sex; here are some reasons:
Remember your own feelings about sex and drugs in your teen years. The more time you spend one-with-one to appreciate each youngster the better you can counter peer pressure and channel their exuberance and experimenting into many positive areas. Drugs Parents need to learn the effects of drinking alcohol in any form, then talk openly with their teens. They need to learn the subtle effect of drinking. Above all the drinker is the last to notice those effects, and least able to evaluate if they can safely drive. Driving under the influence (DUI) is just one of many serious, natural effects of alcohol. Do not use fear, but respect its effects. In Germany it is legal to drink at 16, but you cannot legally drive until 18. Are they wise to allow teens to learn the effects of drinking before they learn to drive? Help your teens learn why designated drivers are critical. Assure your teens that if they drink too much, they can call you any time for a safe ride without preaching. While the child is younger, you might talk about the effects of medicines. A headache cured with an over the-counter medication can lead to conversation about some chemicals are strangely strong. Alcohol and illegal drugs are also strong stuff. They cause strong reactions that are unreal. Parents can make themselves be both a source of information but also of support amid confusing peer pressures. Alcoholism may happen after the first drink or after years of drinking, but it takes control of the alcoholic. Alcoholism tendencies are transmitted genetically. Parents and teens need to understand it so as to be aware of its first signs. Alcoholics Anonymous has information offices in many cities with useful literature, including questions that reveal indications of alcoholism. Natural highs include music and dance, yoga and Eastern meditation, and many more — with no chemicals or hangover. One important point about illegal drugs is that they are produced with no consideration for purity or safety. For example, many deaths blamed on "drug overdose" are actually caused by the chemicals used to dilute the drugs or contamination. Users never can be sure of the dilution or strength that have profound effects. About smoking, help them learn that of all drugs legal and illegal only one is fatal in normal doses, strength, and usage nicotine. Do not be surprised by what your children know about drugs. A mother and her two younger children were waiting for haircuts, when one child pointed at bottles of toiletries for sale, saying look at the marijuana. The mother said, that's not marijuana. The other child said it was. The mother asked the sales person, who said that brand used a marijuana leaf as its logo. The mother was shocked that her young children recognized it. Parents and teens can take the time to learn the effects of drugs and addiction. Addiction happens inside of persons. It means we are not in control. It has us. Mark Twain said it is easy to quit smoking; he'd done it thousands of times. It had him. Some are addicted to work or sex. Please remember: facts and respect kids, but avoid using fear. |
|||||||
Sex Author Judy Bloom says, "I was wildly interested in puberty as a child. Even though I was envied for having a warm and loving father, one who claimed I could talk to him about anything, I never actually asked him the questions I had. I waited for him to tell me. And then I didn't always understand what he was saying. I was so curious about sex…. The safest sex of all is masturbation. So, get the facts first. Too many kids jump in and have sex without thinking. Adults need to talk with them about sexual responsibilities, but too often, don't. I hear a lot of kids say they wish they had read Forever before they became sexually active." She is the author of Are You There God? It's Me Margaret, Then Again Maybe I Won't, and Forever We receive cultural views of males and females from companions, television, movies, and reading. We parents need to be sensitive to those and explore alternative ways so we talk about them. I hope you want your children to be as free as possible of hierarchical views of men as dominant, controlling, exploiting women, and views of women as subservient. While I hope we want to be free of these, recognize their subtle influences. When younger boys and girls see each other naked, or see anatomically correct dolls, their curiosity and questions are normal. To younger children a penis may be like a toe. If their play with their bodies makes you uncomfortable, suggest alternatives, such as cookies. Don’t appear shocked. Encourage their curiosity. A friend told that before he was adolescent riding on a country lane with his mother and her friend, when the two women decided to stop to swim in a stream . They stripped to skinny dip as they invited the son to. He said for the first time he was stimulated without understanding it, and felt uncomfortable. Be sensitive to emerging feelings and attitudes about sexuality to listen first — then chat about them. Calmly and clearly tell pre-adolescents, don't let others touch parts of the body covered by swim suits. Calmly help them learn to defend the space around them, and reject hands or arms getting too close. Answer questions honestly, openly, and without shame. Make your answers to the point and simple. Can we talk with all teens about five critical issues about sex?
About pleasure one parent talked with her teens that pleasure depends on two persons giving themselves thoroughly to each other. Sex is about far more than physical intimacy, it can be about a unique one-to-one capacity for both vulnerability and compassion. It means I-want-you-to-want-me, and want-me-to-want-you. A therapist suggests compassion, understanding, honesty, and knowledge of an erotic nature. Is the other person trustworthy, caring, treats you as an equal, is a friend, and open — respects and affirms you? Sex may either express these qualities or be an end in itself. Work with teens to find their individual place between hedonistic pleasure for personal gain, and repression. Discuss carefully the effects of these extremes. Explore realities such as a promiscuous girl may be seeking a male to be the father she never had. Help them develop their own heartfelt values or ethics about sex. If you find it very hard to talk about sex or to answer questions; you can still communicate honestly and openly by writing. Remember your own teen experiences, and remember that teens spread lots of information and experiences about sex that often is not accurate. As with drugs, fear and mis-truths only weaken your ability to help your teens and to be trusted. Most teens want frank information from parents who support them in this confusing area. Take a sex quiz. One mother of two teens was realistic, I think, when she emphasized carefully why she preferred her sons have no sex on dates. But she realized that feelings and urges can overwhelm, and so she taught them how to use condoms so they are most effective. I think she was as wise as we are when we drive a car only if it has a spare tire that we know how to change. Or teach teens how to drive safely and considerately and how to handle wild drivers nearby. If you believe passionately in abstinence only, honestly face the facts of unplanned STD's, including HIV/AIDS, pregnancies, and the intense passions of adolescents and their consequences. Time alone with Set aside enough time for one child and you to do whatever the child wants. If the child is a teen, you may spend hours going to a movie the teen wants to see with you or appreciating a hobby or interest. This one-with-one time may lead to talking together whatever your child suggests. Copyright © 2006 John F. Yeaman
|
||||||||